CHRISTMAS SHIT

by Lois

It just wouldn't be Christmas if I didn't bitch about it. Anyone here like in-store Christmas music? If you do, go out and shoot yourself now. The rest of us hate it with a passion, and with good reason: IT'S LAME!! At my job, they don't even have the decency to include a variety of songs. There are just eight or ten songs, each with at least three different versions, and half of them are sung by Bing Fuckin' Crosby. Who wants to listen to Bing Fuckin' Crosby all damn day? He sucks! At least, he sucks when your job forces you to hear his incessant warbling for several hours at a stretch. Just how many versions of Jingle Bells does the world really need? Why don't they include some numbers by the Bob Rivers Comedy Corps? How about Weird Al's "The Night Santa Went Crazy" and "Christmas at Ground Zero"? Those are CLASSICS, I tell ya! But do the stores ever play them? Nooooooo, it's just Bing Fuckin' Crosby day after day after day until you wish you could stab him in the throat with a fork.

Christmas makes me hate children even more than I normally do. Stupid little know-it-all freaks, always whining because they can't have this toy or that electronic gizmo, when they already have more toys than they know what to do with. You give them something they really want, and in three weeks they're bored with it, broke it, have lost half the pieces, or they left it on the floor and the dog chewed it up, and they're back to bitching about wanting another damn toy. I should give all the kids I know a box full of socks and underwear, just to piss them off and make their holidays miserable.

I hate shopping in the Barbie section of the toy store. That broad has a better wardrobe than I do! Nicer house, too, except that it's pink. And her boyfriend looks gay, whereas mine is a manly man, so that means I win! HA! Take THAT, biznitch! You can keep your expensive designer clothes and your nice car and your Dream House and your horse with the pretty mane that can be combed and styled, because MY boyfriend rocks, whereas yours doesn't even have a dick! HA! HA HA HA HA! HA ha.

Oh, yeah, Christmas.

Look, it's not that I totally hate Christmas. It just seems like a lot of work, stress, and hassle for one day of fun. And if you're the one hosting the dinner (thank god I'm not), then you can't even rest on that day, which is probably the only day you have off work that week, unless you were lucky enough to get vacation time. Bottom line: just feed me some turkey, give me my presents, and leave me the hell alone.

AND TURN OFF THAT DAMNED BING CROSBY BEFORE I BEAT YOU WITH A TURKEY LEG!!!


Happy freakin' Christmas from Lois. Experience the magic, or whatever.