written by contributing asshole abe

Sand People Shooting Jawas

I went down to the store today and plunked down my hard earned money for The Phantom Menace, and I must say that it was worth it, for just one reason…

They have SAND PEOPLE TAKING POT SHOTS AT JAWAS!!!!!!!!! I mean the only thing that could be any better would be sand people taking pot shots at ewoks!

Sure there this is the first star wars movie on DVD and sure all the behind the scenes stuff is interesting, and yes this is the first commentary good old George has done on any of his movies but you guys have to understand there are sand people shooting at jawas!!!!!!!! Everything else is just incidental.

Apparently George decided to extend the pod race sequence in the movie to have it meet his original vision. Basically this meant they just added a bunch of aliens that looked like they just step out of monster inc. or some Saturday mourning cartoon. Sure they are well animated but they look cartoony and stupid and thus blow the 'reality" of the movie. So much for George always talking about things in a fantasy world needing to be real and feel as if they belong… but I degrees, basically the pod racing scene is longer, and in its added length is what will become the jewel of Episode 1, sand people shooting jawas. Its like I have died and gone to star wars heaven.

The rest of the added stuff during the pod race is ok, if you don't count all the pod racers… I think one was jabber jaw, and while they were at it why didn't they add that little orange dune buggy that talked. There are more crashes some new cool pod racer moves, and some big robot that shits out smaller robots to pick up junk.
The other scene that was deleted but added back into the movie is the air taxi scene, which to borrow a phrase from the mighty thespian Sean Williams Scott is "sweet ass sweet." This sequence was breath taking and I am glad it was restored even if it did add a few extra seconds of Jar Jar screen time.

The other deleted scenes where not put back in the movie and which for the most part is a good thing. The Jira scene and even the Greedo scene are pretty lame. And the Kitster scene oh my god did that suck sheep balls. I mean I knew Jake Lyod couldn't act but I did not no to the extreme lengths his inability to act went.

It's a good thing the water fall scene was cut because quite honestly it doesn't make sense. I was watching it going wait why aren't they being swept over the falls if the boats broken, 2) when they leave the boat how can the hold on to a little wire and not get swept over, 3) how the hell did a big boat pop up out of the center of the world 3 feet in front of a water fall 4) the water looks shallow but Jar Jar jumps in and the water looks about 6/7 feet deep 5) why doesn't Jar Jar get swept over. He's not hanging on to any little wire. The scene makes no sense, and since it makes no sense you must acquit my client.

The last deleted scene was Qui Jon slash a sith probe droid, cool but unnecessary. However realizing that Lucas cut many of the scenes to save time because they were redundant, unnecessary, or in the case of the water fall completely asinine made me wonder about what was left in. Lucas states in the dvd that he likes to keep his movies to 2 hours and makes many cuts to save time. So he chose to cut the Qui Gon slash droid, fine by me but remember he left in Animal farting at Jar Jar, jar Jar stepping in shit!!!!!!!!!!!!! George baby can't we cut the real crap in order to save time and leave in some stuff that actually makes a little bit of sense?!?!?!

Speaking of George can the guy talk in any more of a monotone? He just doesn't seem to get excited about any thing. I doubt his pules would quicken at good amateur tewlik porn. So listening to George isn't gripping though he does have some interesting stuff to say.

The features are also interesting, and the documentary is priceless because Rick "ass kisser" McCulum swears like a tai hooker fit after the storm in the desert. You have to listen closely though because they attempted to blank out his expletives. You also see that Rick kisses everyone's ass not just Lucas. He practically slobs Ewen's knob when he's talking to him about accepting the obi wan role. You watch this guy for five minutes and your prompted to say "can he suck any more dick?!?"

The other features of note are the out take ester eggs (enter 1138 on your dvd remote) and there are some other funny clips in the credits of some of the featuretts. Look for the sand crawler racing past the pods in the pod race. Those wacky jawas… they are probably running from the crazy ass sand people.

All in all it's a good dvd, but it still is the phantom anus. Not all the features in the world can make it a good movie, but they can make it more fun to watch. And did I mention that tehre are sand people taking pot shots at the jawas!?!?!

P.S. they have the new Greedo shooting at Han scene on the dvd and of my dear lord it sucks even worse then I remember. And watching it frame by frame yeah han does this slight move away from the shoot, but the shoot is so far off that han could have moved a foot towards the damn thing and still not be hit. This scene sucks so bad that I hope some one ties Lucas to chair props open his eyelids with tooth picks and forces him to watch this horror that he has created, until he relizes in that Barney soaked, touch feely, midochlorain soaked brain of his that this was an awful awful idea… even if Rick Mcullum loved it.