Dr. Strange Wars: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love George Lucas' Bomb

written by contributing asshole abe


The key is Booze.

No, I am dead serious. The Phantom Menace is quite an enjoyable and profound movie if you are completely shit faced. Personally I recommend Jack Daniel's old number 7, but any kind of alcohol will do it for you, except rubbing alcohol. That will make you go blind, on second thought if you can't see The Phantom Menace… But I digress; the key to enjoying the new direction the prequels are taking is total and utter inebriation.

The reason for this is that the New Star Wars movies are being written for kids, and not normal kids, and not the kids that take the short bus, but the kids that are locked away from society, for their and our own good. The kids that are so stupid that they thought Han Solo was a cold blooded murder, and the kids that had trouble with the scene in The Phantom Menace when Darth Maul goes all pink. And of course all the fans who have trouble understanding when Boba Fett falls into the monsters mouth he is eaten and dies.

The prequels are being written for a new generation, a dumb generation. I hear even the opening shot will be changed from "A Long Time Ago In A Galaxy Far Far Away" to "This Is A Fairy Tail, An Imaginary Story", just to help out some of our more easily confused audience members. We don't want anybody writing about Luke Skywalker on the American History Final. So to enjoy these movies you need to become (at least temporarily) this new fan that George is catering to.

The way to become like these new fans is to diminish your mental compacity drastically. A lobotomy would accomplish this, however I find this a pretty permanent and life altering choice to achieve the desired effect. A lobotomy is only necessary if you want to become a Lucas apologist EU loving Fan boy. If you're just trying to enjoy the movie, grab a bottle of gin or if mary jane is your thing grab a blunt. Sit back, partake in your drug of choice, and get ready for the movie experience of a life time.

In no time you will be laughing with Jar Jar, and finding the scene where he steps in shit Oscar worthy. You will find everything Qui Gon Jin says earth shattering and making complete sense. Anakin is as cool as James Dean, and you will really be rooting for him to blow up the Driod Control Ship. Gone will be the little problems, such as lack of plot, under developed characters and the fact that almost none of it makes sense when paired up with the original trilogy. You will no longer gag at the thought of midichlorians or a six year old being too old for Jedi training. You will be at peace, calm, and the movie will wash over you. As long as you keep your blood alcohol level up you will have no trouble understanding or thoroughly enjoying this fine piece of cinematography.